The Comparison Game

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Social media can be a great way to stay connected and keep up with friends and family.  But it can also be dangerous for people with anxiety and depression. People typically want to share good news and positive things in their lives. People post pictures of themselves looking their best and share their successes. For someone who has depression, seeing how well the rest of the world is doing can have a negative impact.

Today, I just caught myself getting sucked into the vortex of self-loathing and negative thinking when I was checking out the Facebook posts of an acquaintance who appears to have it all. She is pretty, in amazing physical shape, has a wonderful husband, a large and loving family and lots of friends.  She looks so happy, positive and confident in every photo. My first thought was to be happy for her, but then I started the comparison game. The comparison game is something I have been doing since I can remember. My mother was the first who pointed this out to me. I compare myself to people who are beautiful, smart, successful, popular, happy, etc. and then start to tally all of my faults and mistakes. I am not thin enough, I am not successful enough, I am not nice enough, I am not popular enough. I mentally beat myself up for not being better, no trying harder, not being more outgoing, not being smarter about choices I have made.

Before I was aware of my illness, this type of thinking could completely derail me for days. But now that I know it is part of my illness, I can fight back. I think of my illness as an evil villain trying to control my mind and knock me off course. The best way for me to fight this villain is to dig into my Habit deck pull out the Gratitude card. Today, I stopped the negative thinking by focusing on all of the things that I do have in my life and all that I am grateful for.  I also focus on the people’s lives I have touched and the good things I have done. Did you ever see “It’s a Wonderful Life”?  Remember the guardian angel who helped George Bailey to realize what life would have been like if he had never been born?  I try to be my own guardian angle when get sucked into the Comparison Game.

Another thing I try to keep in mind, which a dear friend pointed out to me – everyone has their demons and everyone experiences life’s ups and downs.  Even the people who seem to have it all, have their issues. They just don’t always share it on Facebook.

Forgiveness

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In my last post I wrote about the habits I follow to help with my depression. However I omitted a very important one and that is forgiveness.  Once I started treating my depression, a fog started to lift and I could see clearly the mistakes that I had made while I was caught up in my problems. Upon that realization, I felt a great deal of guilt and regret. There were friends I had neglected, opportunities I had missed and stupid mistakes I had made along the way.  Asking forgiveness from friends was easy, asking forgiveness from myself was not.

Forgiving myself is an ongoing process.  When I was depressed, I was my own worst enemy.  I held myself back from living a full life and did some illogical things.  While now understand that my decisions were being influenced by my depression, it is still hard not to beat myself up. A therapist offered me some very helpful advice. At every point in my life I made the best decisions that I could based on the tools and information I had.  So, I cannot beat myself up for things I could not know or understand.  I need to forgive the person that I was then and let go. And, I need to keep my head in the present and enjoy who I am today.

Eleven Habits for Good Mental Health

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I wanted to share the habits I follow that have helped me with depression and anxiety.  While I am on antidepressant (fondly known as my crazy pills or happy pills), these habits are a great compliment to the medication.

  1. Plan – Because I know that I can relapse into depression, I can plan ahead.  Part of the planning is following the other nine habits, like making sure I have someone to talk me off the ledge, so to speak.  In addition, I try to avoid situations or triggers that I know can send me downward.  Over time, those triggers have become far less powerful because of my dedication to these habits.
  2. Share – It is so important to have someone you can speak with about all of the stuff going on in your head, bad and good. A therapist is best, but talking with a relative or good friend can be very therapeutic. Just try not to abuse the support.  When I was younger and I reached out to my mother during an “episode”, I unwittingly pulled her down with me. She would get off the phone emotionally depleted and not really anxious to speak with me again for a week or so. I now have a very supportive husband who helps me to see things clearly with both humor, patience and love.
  3. Connect – Be with people, and I don’t mean on Facebook. Real, live human contact is amazingly therapeutic.  I know it can be hard.  When I am down, it is typically the last thing I want to do.  But it is far easier if you get involved as part of a club, team or group.  I work, so I am around people in the office, which can help.  But, I have also been a team mom for my son’s sports and because people relied on me, I had to be there and interact.  There are lots of ways to get involved – just find something that truly inspires you.
  4. Cleanse – I am not talking about personal hygiene (although that can suffer when you spend a weekend in bed watching a Law and Order marathon – been there, done that). What I mean by cleansing is ridding your mind of negative thoughts. Believe me, this is far easier said that done. However, it has been very useful to me. A small thought can sometimes snowball into an obsession. Because I am aware that this is my pattern, I try to stop it before it gets out of control. I sit down in a calm and quiet place, focus on my breathing and remind myself that this is my disorder taking over.  My negative thoughts are a symptom of my illness and not my normal thought pattern. I try to clear my mind or turn my thoughts to something positive, which leads me to point 3.
  5. Be Grateful – I try every day to keep positive by reminding myself of all of the good things in my life, or all of the things I am grateful for. It can be my family, a beautiful sunrise or a day that I don’t see a single Kardashian in the news. Right now, I am grateful for my sweet cat who loves to sit on my lap.
  6. Forgive – Once I started treating my depression, a fog started to lift and I could see clearly the mistakes that I had made while I was caught up in my problems. Upon that realization, I felt a great deal of guilt and regret. There were friends I had neglected, opportunities I had missed and stupid mistakes I had made along the way.  Asking forgiveness from friends was easy, asking forgiveness from myself was not. Forgiving myself is an ongoing process.  When I was depressed, I was my own worst enemy.  I held myself back from living a full life and did some illogical things.  While now understand that my decisions were being influenced by my depression, it is still hard not to beat myself up. A therapist offered me some very helpful advice. At every point in my life I made the best decisions that I could based on the tools and information I had.  So, I cannot beat myself up for things I could not know or understand.  I need to forgive the person that I was then and let go. And, I need to keep my head in the present and enjoy who I am today.
  7. Give – Helping others is a great way to get out of your own head and give you a larger sense of purpose.  Over the years, I have been a Big Sister, sponsored children in third world countries, served food to the homeless, washed the feet of the homeless (Oh yes, I did! It was both disgusting and humbling and I am going straight to heaven.) been a team mom and helped to fund raise for various causes. Now, I find that it is the little things that are the most rewarding such as helping out elderly neighbors or mentoring younger women at work.
  8. Focus  – Even if you work full time, it is good to have an outside focus or a hobby. I find it very helpful to lose myself in an activity such as reading, gardening, painting (the art at the header of this blog is my work) etc.  This type of focus can give your mind a rest and stop it from wandering into worrisome thoughts.  I find the best hobbies are ones in which you become so absorbed, that you lose track of time.
  9. Rest – Anxiety and depression can cause many sleepless nights, but rest is one of the most important steps to helping control mood.  A good night sleep allows not only your body, but your mind to rest.  When I am well-rested, my mind is clear and it is easier to see my problems in a rational way.  A recent Stanford study on cognitive behavioral treatments for insomniac, depressed people showed that when insomnia was fixed, depression treatment success doubled.
  10. Exercise – Exercise is nature’s own anti-depressant!  It releases chemicals in the brain called endorphins which trigger a positive feeling in the body (and mind). The feelings triggered by endorphins have been compared to a morphine high, without the addiction.  In fact, a study published in the Archives of Internal Medicine shows that exercise can be just as effective than anti-depressant medication. I try to exercise every day. Typically, I hike, jog or use the elliptical at the gym. But, I feel the benefits even when I walk briskly for 35 minutes a day.  You can learn more about exercise and depression here.
  11. Diet – You are what you eat!  There is no doubt that diet can effect your mood.  I include the following in my diet to keep both my mind and body healthy.
    1. Foods rich in antioxidants –  Studies show that the brain is particularly at risk for free radical damage. Although there’s no way to stop free radicals completely, we can reduce their destructive effect on the body by eating foods rich in antioxidants as part of a healthy diet. Foods rich in antioxidants include apricots, broccoli, cantaloupe, carrots, peaches, pumpkin, spinach, sweet potato, blueberries and  broccoli.
    2. Complex Carbs – Carbohydrates are linked to the mood-boosting brain chemical, serotonin. But, I steer clear of white and sugary carbs including white breads and rice, cakes and cookies, etc.  Healthy carb options include brown rice, whole grains, fruits and many vegetables.
    3. Omga-3 fatty acids – Some studies say omega-3 fatty acids may ease the mood changes of depression. Fatty fish like salmon, tuna, and mackerel have omega-3s. So do flaxseed, nuts, soybeans, and dark green vegetables.
    4. Vitamin B12 – B12 is another mood booster.  It  can be found in seafood, fortified cereals and dairy products.
    5. Avoid Sugar – Sugar can be a temporary mood booster, but the crash is worse than the high.  According to Psychology today “The roller coaster of high blood sugar followed by a crash may accentuate the symptoms of mood disorders. Research has tied heavy sugar consumption to an increased risk of depression.”

Still Crazy After All These Years

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Hi there. I am crazy.  Well, not exactly crazy (although my husband says that is highly debatable).  I suffer from depression. Some people who know me may be surprised to learn this. Other people will be saying to themselves “that explains a lot”. It is not something I have shared with people because, well, there is still a stigma attached to mental disorders (just the word “disorder” is humiliating and ironically depressing).  Sure, in 2016 society is far more enlightened and educated about mental disorders. But, under their breath, I think people will say “Poor retch. Isn’t she from West Virginia? Maybe inbreeding?” (actually, I’m from Virginia, but people west of the Rockies mix those states up all of the time). That is part of my disease – agonizing to the point of debilitation about what other people think. But, I have reached a point in my life (with the help of good pharmaceuticals) where I just don’t care what other people think. OK, I am trying really hard not to care what other people think. So now, I am putting my story out on there for anyone to read. And, I hope this blog will help others to share, heal and laugh.

First off, I am not a doctor or therapist. I am just a person that has struggled with depression for a long time. Any of my ideas or suggestions are based on my personal experience and observations alone. What works for me may not be right for you so I highly suggest that anyone who feels they may have depression seek the help of a professional.

I take 20 grams of an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) every day to stay on an even keel. I also do some form of exercise every day. Over the years, I have seen therapists with varying degrees of success. Therapy can be extremely helpful, but only if you are with a therapist who is the right fit for you. Otherwise, it can be counterproductive. Like a husband, you may have to go through a couple before you find the right one. I am currently in the process of finding a new one. Therapist, that is, not husband. I got the husband right on the second try. I just need to find the therapist that is the right fit for me. Stay tuned.

The exact cause of depressive disorders is not fully known, and may stem from multiple sources including brain chemistry and traumatic life events. Depression also seems to be hereditary, as it is in my case. My maternal grandfather was a depressed alcoholic who finally became sober by the time I was born. Although he was depressed, in his younger days if you sat down with him at a bar, he could show you a really good time. He was right out of central casting, a walking stereotype – Irish, Catholic, funny and drunk.  When my mom was a child, he would take the family to Sunday Mass, then take her and her two siblings to the local bar for the rest of the day. He would sit there and drink while the kids played around with the pool table. Quality family time was Miller time, preferably on draft.

My grandfather’s depression trait skipped a generation and landed squarely on his three granddaughters, my two cousins and me. When I was younger, my depression was kept somewhat at bay because of the 2 to 4 hours a day I spent in the pool. I was a competitive swimmer and the mood enhancing brain chemicals released from so much exercised kept me at an even keel. In retrospect, I am sure I kept at swimming for so long (from the time I was 6 until I was a freshman in college) because it made me feel good mentally. Without realizing it, I was self-medicating. At least it was healthy self-medication.

When I quit swimming, I lost those mood enhancing chemicals and things started to spiral downhill.  I suffered with depression, anxiety and mood swings for years before I finally sought help (I’ll save that story for another blog post).  I am now in a great place – happy and healthy, but knowing that I can relapse and doing everything I can to avoid it.